Making up for Lost Time

My guess is I've met roughly 350 families since April 2006 in the role I have now at my current job. I have met and worked with hundreds more since working with and among seniors since 1995. Now in marketing and sales for assisted living, I meet families and seniors every day who are long range planners, the need-you-in-a-month folks, and the same-day hospital discharges, aka, the Fire Drills.
My favorite part of my job is talking to families even when it is a Fire Drill. I am an educator. After 15 years, I have amassed a fair amount of information about transitions that seniors usually make these days as they become older in the various environments that our society has created, in our great wisdom (greed, really) of how senior care should look. I can predict a certain number of outcomes that will likely occur in the future, that the family does not foresee.

Some days are spent trying to dance the corporate sales dance and keep those balls in the air. Other days are focused in a more real way, on the people I have encountered that day - people who have come through the door and the people who live in the community. I am lucky to hear the stories of amazing people who astonish me. Here are three that I have collected then following, some of my thoughts about aging and care for people with dementia.

M used to live in Washington, D.C. She was an accomplished seamstress and was known for making beautiful gowns. She did beautiful beading on dresses for Pat Nixon and Mamie Eisenhower among others. Her niece came to me because M was neglecting herself and could no longer live alone. Her niece was distressed to find M's home unclean and cluttered, representing a departure from the woman she knew. I was so enchanted by her history I could hardly concentrate on this woman's current situation, but I pulled it together. She did not end up coming to my community, like I hoped. She is living history of Old Washington.

R and his wife came to see me one day. They almost left because the music was too loud from the Halloween party. At first I thought R was somewhat unfriendly, but then he took a complete 180 when he talked about the book he wrote about flying planes in WWII. Our chef served us cake in my office and we ate cake together while he told me more stories of WWII - first person. He came back to see me with an autographed copy of his book. Never was I more interested in airplanes from WWII.

T moved to another community sadly, but I will remember her fondly. She spoke Italian and Spanish only. She could only understand and speak a few English words. She was a fashion designer in Italy and loved jewelry and interesting clothes. She also had a local daughter - dying of cancer. T had short term memory loss, but not when it came to her daughter. It was tortuous for all of us not to tell her where her daughter was when she asked repetitively, "My daughter, hospital, call?". Her son-in-law's decision was to not tell her that she had passed. It was about 3 weeks later when he finally told her. At times, T would forget, and we would remind her she was in heaven. T would become very bored as there were few activities she could enjoy with her language barrier. I used to keep orange juice in my office - which she loved. One time we had chocolate covered strawberries together in my office. She was ecstatic. This is a particularly joyful memory because it made her so happy. It was church for me. By contrast, it would be so frowned upon for the marketing and sales person to spend their time like this - a big reason for this blog. I also kept a bag of costume jewelry in my desk for her to sort through. She loved going through it. I miss T.

My primary problem with how we care for seniors these days is that we see them as a collection of deficits/problems to be taken care of or "cared for". We put them in buildings just for them, with everything they will need - having already decided how to deliver the services that satisfy those needs. We do not truly value or utilize their wisdom, skills and talents. Our community requires the family/resident to complete a document when a resident moves in, telling us all about them and their interests/background. The information is required reading before every move-in for every staff member. I guarantee it goes into a binder and stays there. But it shouldn't stop there. How can we help our seniors become INTEGRAL members of the greater community? We cannot bring them into these buildings, give them 3 meals, personal care, some semblance of an activity schedule and say we're doing a good job.

I do not know the overall answer. I do know I want to find people who 1) feel the same way, and 2) want to talk about it. I have many ideas for projects that I want someone to pay me to do: Set up choirs at Assisted Livings and Nursing Care Communities. Allow the participants to have performance experiences. Same thing with a dance group. I would take the performers to high schools. It's time to start showing younger generations that performing can look and sound different than American Idol. We would also sing to hospice recipients. Then there is my "virtual quilt" website of the amazing people and their stories.

If we do not allow the elderly (or anyone for that matter) to give care, then we are creating helplessness. The antidote to helplessness is having a purpose. Having a purpose is lifegiving. Read about the Eden Alternative if you want to learn more about this. We have to think in terms of mentoring/leadership/teaching roles for our elders. If not leading or teaching, then having a JOB, a role or purpose. Some of our female residents did not work outside the home, but they had a JOB. People depended on them every day. It is my belief that we have taken away this component of most of our residents' lives. We have enabled this. I believe it is so important to convey to our elderly residents that we need them. We have to believe it first.

A friend of mine hypothesized we may, in fact, be creating boredom and expectations that we cannot meet by charging such exorbitant fees in assisted livings - where I would also want my "money's worth" of service - expecting all to be done for me as advertised. But if we are creating "homelike environments", my friend went on to say, would that not look more like a real home if the people who lived in it contributed to the community. Did they not contribute to the community in their private home? A very interesting concept - could it have potential for lower fees in assisted living? It's something to think about considering assisted living costs exclude an enormous socio-economic group.