Monday, January 4, 2010

Warriors

I almost forgot about G. He stops by when he goes out for a walk. He is a full-time caregiver to his wife, who has dementia. He leaves her alone while he goes for his walk every day and sometimes trades this time or part of it to stop by the community to ask me another question or see a room again. He can't stay long. He'll start getting nervous that he's left her too long, and I know I have to let him go. I stopped calling him on the phone. It's too hard for him to talk on the phone. I do check in on him via email. G. wants to take a trip. He needs a break, but will not give himself permission - yet. When he first dropped by, he asked me if one spouse could take a trip while the other stayed "here". I said yes. I sensed he felt guilty about asking this. He has a daughter in California that he misses. The last time I talked with him, it was his plan to come to a community with her and wean himself away from her.
For now, he is one of my warriors - one of the spouses who will never stop taking care of the other, in their home. No matter how tired they are. No matter how much the adult children implore them to stop, or take a break. Sometimes it is a wife. Sometimes it is a husband. In another warrior case - Mr. F- the adult children would not challenge dad, as dad held a great seat of authority and it was clear that the children, though adults, would not challenge his decision to continue to care for his wife at home despite his debilitating level of fatigue. Dad would make statements of great devotion like,"I'll never leave her."He struck me as old-school military who probably did not get challenged in family life or work life - by expectation. When I first met Mr. F, his parting words to me were, "You handled the old man pretty well."
Mr. F and his wife now live in a community together. G. hasn't made his change yet. I think about him often, though.
N is still taking care of her husband at home. She came to me over a year ago. He sounded as though he was in fairly advanced stages at that time. I know she needed a break then. She mentioned her children were talking to her about getting a break. We had a wonderful conversation about the school she founded. She seemed to be in two worlds - that of a full-time hardworking caregiver of a demented spouse, and the elegant poised principal of a private school. It seemed like she was two people and doing so much work. I've sent her cards since our first meeting. I keep thinking about her and hoping she is getting support for both jobs. She's just someone who stayed with me - another warrior.

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